Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

WHEN I SAY I’M BROKE…I’M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young bloke carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ he says. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’
‘Go away!’ I said.’I haven’t got any dough!, ‘I’m broke!’ and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash the young bloke wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he says. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
‘If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.’
I stepped back and said, ‘Well I hope you’ve got a f****** good appetite mate because they cut off my electricity this morning…… What part of ‘broke’ don’t you understand?’